Men dare and women deny. That is my experience, anyway. It is the reason I am having coffee by myself instead of pursuing my hobby in beautiful Hawaii. My husband can call his friends and find one, or more, willing to do things for themselves like attend rock and gem shows in Arizona, or mountain bike in France. I can’t even get one friend over for coffee at my place. Why? Men dare to ask while their women deny what they want to do in order to pick up the pieces. Even if I could find someone to take a trip to Portland to check out an amazing bookstore or New York to see a Broadway play, I would first make sure it fit into everyone else’s schedule. As soon as I looked at the calendar, or my bank account, I would “realize” it could never work and, inevitably, I would deny myself the trip.
Am I being responsible, or just stupid? My husband says he’s going somewhere, sometimes remembers to put in on the calendar, and then lets me deal with the consequences. Would the universe as we know it cease to exist if I did the same thing? If we both dared, what would happen? There is no denying I would be a lot happier if I stopped denying myself all the time, but to be honest, I’m not sure who would pick up my pieces. My husband says he would, but in my heart of hearts, I’m not so sure.
Perhaps the real reason I deny myself is really martyr syndrome. I will fall on the sword of motherhood to prove my worth to the world. If I am being truthful, I often feel as if I don’t really have anything else going on in my life, aside from being a mother. Being a mom is my contribution to society. I mean, if I don’t drive my kids to school I’m just taking up space. I guess, deep down, I feel I don’t really deserve to dare. I haven’t earned it. I know intellectually what a bunch of crap that is; my heart is not on the same page. I may tell my kids to “follow their hearts” and “pursue their dreams”, I just can’t seem to follow my own advice. But if you ask me directly, I will deny it.